How to Handle Toddler Tantrums: What to Say in the Moment (and What to Skip)

The five sentences, in order

If your child is mid-tantrum right now, here is the whole thing:

1. Say nothing first. Get down to their level and wait. Three breaths.
2. "I'm here." That's it. Not a question, not a fix.
3. "You really wanted that." Name the want before the feeling.
4. "It's okay to be angry. It's not okay to hit." Accept the feeling, limit the behaviour.
5. "Do you want to stay here or go somewhere quieter?" One choice, two options, after the peak.

That is the order that matters. Most of what goes wrong in a tantrum goes wrong at step one, because the instinct is to start talking — and a child at full volume cannot process a sentence with a clause in it. The rest of this page is why that order works, how long you are actually waiting, and the phrases worth dropping.

How long you are actually waiting

The honest answer is: less time than it feels like, and the research is reassuring here in a specific way.

Potegal and Davidson's observational work on children aged 18 to 60 months found an average of about one tantrum a day, a median duration of three minutes, and 75% of tantrums lasting between 1.5 and 5 minutes (reported in Belden, Thomson and Luby, Journal of Pediatrics, 2008).

Then there is the number that explains why your memory disagrees. In Belden's own sample of 150 typically developing preschoolers aged 3 to 5, the mean total tantrum duration was 11 minutes 48 seconds — with a standard deviation of 12 minutes 16 seconds.

Both numbers are real, and the gap between them is the useful part. The typical tantrum is short. The average is dragged upwards by a minority of long ones, and those are the ones you remember at 7pm. A huge standard deviation like that means the spread is enormous: some episodes are over in ninety seconds, some run past twenty minutes, and you cannot tell which you are in when it starts.

What that means practically: plan for three minutes, be prepared for twelve. If you brace for three and get twelve, you abandon the approach halfway through, which is the worst version. If you brace for twelve and get three, you have lost nothing.

Why step one is silence

A child at the peak of a tantrum is not refusing to listen. They are temporarily not able to.

The CDC's emotion-coaching guidance for toddlers and preschoolers puts the parent's own regulation first, before any of the talking steps: notice the emotion, and "calm your own feelings first." It recommends you "pause before responding, even if it's just three deep breaths."

And it is explicit about the moment when nothing will land. When a child is too upset to listen, the CDC's instruction is to make sure everyone is safe, "stay close, keep your hands free, and give your child time and space to calm down" — and to skip emotion coaching entirely until you and your child are both calm.

That is the permission most of us need. You are not failing to intervene. Waiting is the intervention, and it has an institutional recommendation behind it.

Children also copy what they see. The CDC notes that children imitate their parents, so modelling the pause — and inviting your child to breathe with you — is doing two jobs at once.

Toddler tantrum tips: the phrases, and why each one is shaped that way

"I'm here."

Two words, no question mark. Questions demand processing. "What's wrong?" asks a child who has lost access to language to produce an explanation, which is why it so often makes the volume go up.

The CDC's connect step is deliberately non-verbal first: eye contact, a quick smile, a gentle pat on the back. "I'm here" is just the audio version of that.

"You really wanted that."

Name the want before you name the feeling. It is more specific, and specificity is what tells a child you actually saw what happened.

The CDC's name step gives the pattern: "I see that your blocks fell. Are you feeling angry?" — observation first, label second. You can use exactly that shape for anything: "I see the red cup is in the dishwasher. Are you feeling cross?"

"It's okay to be angry. It's not okay to hit."

This is the sentence that does the most work, and the CDC's find good solutions step words it almost identically: "It's ok to feel angry, but it's not ok to throw our blocks."

Accept the feeling, limit the behaviour. Two halves, both said out loud. Most of us say only one — either we limit without accepting ("stop that right now") or we accept without limiting ("I know, I know, it's okay") and then wonder why the hitting continues.

"Do you want to stay here or go somewhere quieter?"

Two options, not open-ended. The CDC's step-five pattern is the same: "Should we try stacking the blocks again? Or should we start a puzzle?"

Timing is everything. Offered at the peak, a choice is one more thing to process and it fails. Offered on the way down, it hands back a scrap of control at exactly the moment a child is looking for a way out that isn't surrender.

What to skip

- "Use your words." They haven't got them right now. This is the single most common mismatch between what we say and what a child mid-tantrum can do.
- "If you don't stop, we're leaving." An ultimatum you may not want to carry out. If you say it, you have to do it, and most of us say it when we least want to.
- "You're fine." It contradicts what they are plainly experiencing. The CDC's listen step is specific about not criticising or judging the feeling.
- "Big boys don't cry." Nothing good follows.
- Reasoning, mid-peak. Save the explaining for afterwards. The CDC's own advice is to return to the conversation after a short break, once you can respond calmly.
- Anything said at volume. Your tone is the thermostat in the room.

What is normal, and what the behaviours look like

Tantrums involve a mix of behaviours, and Belden's team scored them in groups across 150 typically developing preschoolers. The non-destructive, non-aggressive behaviours — crying, whining, dropping to the floor — were the most common part of the picture, with a mean composite score of 1.38 out of 3 possible. Aggression and violence scored 1.32 of 4, oral aggression 0.24 of 2, and self-injurious behaviour 0.16 of 4.

So: some pushing, hitting or throwing shows up in ordinary tantrums in ordinary children. It is not a sign that something has gone wrong with your child, and it is not a verdict on your parenting. It is also still worth holding the limit on, which is what sentence four is for.

The authors also note something worth keeping in mind before you compare your child with anyone else's: in several domains, up to 30% of healthy preschoolers showed the same behaviours as the clinical comparison groups. The line between ordinary and concerning is not where most of us assume it is.

This is general information, not medical advice. If your child's tantrums are frequent, very long, or involve hurting themselves, that's a conversation with your GP or health visitor — not something to resolve from a blog post.

The 90-second version to keep in your head

Get low. Say nothing. "I'm here." Name the want. Accept the feeling, limit the behaviour. Then, on the way down, two options.

You are not negotiating. You are waiting out a storm with the lights on.

Take the quiz

Not sure which part of this you actually find hardest — the staying quiet, the naming, or the holding of the limit?

FAQ

What do you say to a toddler during a tantrum?
Say very little, and say it in this order: nothing at all for the first few breaths, then "I'm here," then name what they wanted ("you really wanted the biscuit"), then accept the feeling while limiting the behaviour ("it's okay to be angry, it's not okay to hit"), and only on the way down offer two options. The CDC's emotion-coaching guidance follows the same shape — notice, connect, listen, name, then find solutions — and it explicitly says to skip the coaching part altogether until both of you are calm.

How long do toddler tantrums last?
Shorter than they feel. Observational research on children aged 18 to 60 months found a median of about three minutes, with 75% running between 1.5 and 5 minutes. But in a separate sample of 150 typically developing preschoolers, the mean total duration was 11 minutes 48 seconds, with a very large spread. Plan for three minutes and be ready for twelve.

Should you ignore a toddler tantrum?
Not the child — but you can decline to engage with the negotiation. The CDC's advice when a child is too upset to listen is to keep everyone safe, stay close, keep your hands free, and give them time and space. That is different from leaving the room or withdrawing attention as a punishment. Staying nearby and quiet is an active choice, not neglect.

Is it normal for a toddler to hit during a tantrum?
Some aggression shows up in ordinary tantrums. In Belden's sample of typically developing preschoolers, the aggression-and-violence composite averaged 1.32 out of 4 possible behaviours, and the authors noted that up to 30% of healthy preschoolers showed behaviours also seen in clinical groups. It is common, and it still needs the limit held. If it is frequent, intense, or your child is hurting themselves, speak to your GP.

How do I stay calm when my child is screaming?
Pause before you respond — the CDC suggests three deep breaths as a minimum. If you need longer, and another trusted caregiver can watch your child, it is fine to step away for a snack or a walk. If there is no safety concern, sitting quietly together is enough. Happy Parents Today takes the view that regulating yourself first isn't the nice-to-have part of this, it's step one, because a child borrows your nervous system before they can use their own.

What do I do after the tantrum is over?
Return to the interaction or the play once you can both respond calmly — the CDC's guidance is explicit that afterwards is when the talking belongs, not during. Keep it short. Name what happened, name the feeling, and move on. A long post-match analysis asks a four-year-old to do something they cannot do yet.

Does naming emotions actually help in the moment?
Naming helps most before the peak, which is why the CDC tells parents to watch for emotions "when they're still mild." Mid-scream, a label can land as one more demand. The sequence here puts naming third on purpose — after silence and after presence — so that it arrives when there is someone available to hear it.

Get the free Toddler Emotion Vocabulary Chart

Sentence three only works if your child has words for more than "sad" and "mad." The Toddler Emotion Vocabulary Chart is a one-page printable of feeling words with faces, for the fridge, so the naming happens on ordinary days and not only during the hard ones.

Print it, stick it on the fridge. Free → Toddler Emotion Vocabulary Chart https://happyparentstoday.com/toddler-emotion-vocabulary-chart

And if you want the rest of it written down

The Parenting Calm Toolkit is a set of printables for managing your own stress in these moments — the part that no script covers, because the script only works if you can get through the first three breaths.

Three euros. Because the alternative is inventing it at 5pm → Parenting Calm Toolkit https://happyparentstoday.com/parenting-calm-toolkit

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